Not long ago I wrote a short quiz so gents could see how good a speed dater they really were. I promised I’d write one for the ladies so here it is. In the interests of scientific balance I thought it only fair to keep the questions the same.
So are you the doyen of dating or a disaster waiting to happen? It’s time to find out.
1) When you arrive at the speed dating event do you:
a) Stride past the host declaring ‘Bring it on!’ before ordering a round of shots, downing two and shouting ‘You better be ready boys!’
b) Say hello to the host, explain you’re here for the event and then head to the bar.
c) Walk up to the host, stare into their eyes for a second too long, whisper ‘Well I hope i’m on YOUR list’, lean against the bar, flick your hair over your shoulder and say to the nearest guy, ‘a gin and tonic would be perfect. How clever.’
d) Immediately disappear to the loo and lock yourself in a toilet cubicle.
2) Your first date arrives. Do you:
a) Shout ‘Come in number 1!’ down a shot and then state excitedly ‘This is just like that [insert crap pop star] video!’
b) Shake hands and introduce yourself before asking ‘and you are?’
c) Lean close in to your date, cover their hands with yours and say quietly ‘Don’t worry. I’ll be gentle’ then wink.
d) Keep your head down, bag in your lap and wait.
3) Your date tells you they work in IT. Do you:
a) Reply ‘IT?! Are you on Snapchat? I’ve got an iPhone! Can you fix my cracked screen? I got sent loads of cock pics. Look!’
b) Reply ‘IT? A fascinating area. What type of IT? Do you enjoy it?’
c) Reply ‘IT? So you use a keyboard a lot. I bet you’re good with your fingers.’
d) Reply ‘Um, okay’.
4) The host calls half time. Do you:
a) Rush to the bar, order a bottle of white for yourself and down another shot.
b) Tell your date is was a pleasure meeting him and politely excuse yourself or suggest a drink after.
c) Say ‘I’ll wait here while you get me a drink’ before immediately heading for his better-looking friend.
d) Not move an inch.
5) Your date is clearly not interested in you. Do you:
a) Shout ‘Stop being a pussy! C’mon I’m only joking!’ before sitting on his lap and punching him on the shoulder.
b) Say, ‘even though we’re not attracted to each other it’s great meeting such a range of people don’t you think?’
c) Say loudly, ‘Well I think we’ve found the reason YOU’RE still single.’
d) Keep your head down, do not make eye contact and play with a tissue you’ve magically retrieved from your bag.
6) The speed dating part of the event has finished. What do you do?
a) Shout ‘SHOTS!’
b) Reintroduce yourself to some of your previous dates using answers you received before to expand the conversation.
c) Reintroduce yourself to a previous date by stepping in front of whoever he’s talking to, run a finger around the rim of your glass and whisper ‘I think I’ll have that drink now. Just make it a double. And expensive.’
d) Mumble something to the host as you shuffle past while trying to find your coat before remembering you never took it off and then flee.
7) One of your dates suggests going on somewhere else, just the two of you. However, you’re just not interested. What do you do?
a) Slur ‘It’s been a while and I’m always up for it. Besides I think the hot doctor was a bit up himself.’
b) Reply that your flattered but were looking forward to seeing how the online matching worked out. No need to rush after all.
c) Reply ‘With you? I don’t think so. Unless that guy over there is a friend of yours.’
d) Mumble ‘I’ve got to… um… there’s this… ah… bathroom’ and then leave.
8) The following day you receive some matches. How do you open the online conversation?
a) ‘If you can pay for my cab I’ll bring the Stolly!’
b) ‘It was lovely meeting you. It would be great to see you again. Free this week? Wednesday maybe?’
c) You don’t need to. You’re inbox will be full any minute now.
d) You turn off your computer at the mains.
So how did you do?
Mostly a’s: Your mantra is ‘The bigger da bling, the betta ma ting!’
I’ve no idea what it means either. I’m afraid you’re a walking stereotype who never quite grew up. You think the louder you are the more fun everyone else is having.
Unfortunately people are laughing at you, not with you, while desperately trying to avoid eye contact.
Mostly b’s: Not bad. Confident, engaging, intelligent and you don’t suffer fools. You’re very well liked and highly unlikely to be lumbered with some overpaid idiot with nostril hair. Please come back!
Mostly c’s: You probably assume that feminism began and ended with the spice girls and feel that Sharon Stone in Fatal Attraction is the embodiment of a strong modern woman rather than a male construct of their greatest misogynist fears.
The man you attract will probably get his idea of sexual politics from the 70’s and, with apologies to estate agents, is probably an estate agent.
Relax and be yourself.
Mostly d’s: Nervousness is to expected. It’s the first time for almost everyone there. Just remember, everyone is in the same boat. You’ve already been brave enough to do it once. The next time will be easier I promise. If you do come again, bring a friend or let the host know you’re not too confident.
Whatever you scored, come and try it out for real at one of our many awesome speed dating events all over London.