It’s official. The world has finally gone mad.
As if the concept of online and app dating wasn’t weird enough - spend weeks upon end flicking through pictures only to find half are fakes and the other half have lied about something significant - niche dating apps are taking singledom to a whole new level of surreal.
Special interest sites such as uniform dating or religion focussed sites are nothing new. But since apps have become the new great fundraiser for IT types with no experience of the dating world, the need to be ironic has seen an explosion in apps never seriously designed to be of any real use.
Bristlr immediately comes to mind. Set up in 2014, the Bristlr site proudly holds it’s tongue in its cheek with the tag-line “Connecting those with beards to those who want to stroke beards.” Honest at least.
With an alleged 110, 000 members pogonophilia has never been so sexy.
And now we have Sizzl, a new app for lovers of bacon!
Sure, many of us like bacon but just to ensure you’re serious the app store tagline says “If you get hot thinking about how many hours your bacon’s been cured and naturally smoked, download Sizzl to connect with thousands of lovers who share your discriminating taste in the world’s loveliest meat.”
It turns out that Sizzle is the creation of Kraft Foods owned Oscar Myer. The perfect advertising tool for what, according to Oscar Myer Marketing Director Eric Dammer will “…give our true bacon lovers the chance to find each other and potentially meet their soulmates, in life and in bacon.”
So if brands are now creating their own dating apps in order to tap into the call for more hipster irony, who else could benefit from such an approach?
Here’s my, not very serious, Top 5 Niche Brand Dating Apps:
5) UKIPPR
The perfect app for those with a clandestine appreciation of Mr Farage’s GCSE level understanding of Europe - Perhaps the tagline could be ‘The love that dare not speak it’s name’ although I suspect the irony would be lost.
Perhaps there could be a social group section so members can all get together for a lovely day at the racists.
Do say: Finally I can say what other people are thinking even though they’re not.
Don’t say: So where do I enter my ethnic origin?
4) VWer
While this app is to be launched by the recently disgraced car giant it’s actually designed for those who like to wilfully exaggerate or outright lie about who and what they are. Think of it as an app based Catfish celebration.
There’s even a feature that detects when someone is looking at your profile and exaggerates your best features automatically.
Do say: 6’ 4” single millionaire Daniel Craig lookalike seeks similar for LTR. Definitely not ONS.
Don’t say: To be honest, I screwed up.
3) Stalkr
This app, allegedly part funded by Rebecca Brooks, is designed for those with an interest in, well, not so much face to face meetings as face to telephoto lens meetings.
You can select one of a number of avatars including ‘Peeping Tom’, ‘Jack The Stalker’ and ‘Spook’.
Rumour has it that a sponsorship deal is currently under discussion with
MI5 and competition is fierce between telecommunications companies to become a silent partner.
Do say: I love it when I hear that click on the line.
Don’t say: Of course you can have the transcripts/Poor Diana.
2) Pscrachr
A dating app for psoriasis sufferers.
Find a profile name you like the sound of and ‘scratch’ your phone screen to reveal their photo and contact details. You can even set a level of how hard viewers have to scratch depending on what details are revealed.
Do say: Down a bit, left a bit, ooh that’s good.
Don’t say: I like crisps.
1) Tinder
A dating app in which users browse pictures swiping right if they like the look of someone and left if they don’t without any intention of meeting and no real regard for personality or…
Oh… Hang on…
PERHAPS THIS WOULD BE BETTER THAN PSCRACHR Lendr A crowd funded app from a group of popular pay day loan companies.
By supplying your profile you’re then loaned an incremental number of matches - it’s entirely up to you how many - and then date these people.
Simply pay back Lendr with profiles and personal details of an equal* number of your friends within the specified loan period.
*APR (Annual Profile Repatriation) 1745% Failure to pay back profile details within the loan period may result in your friends being kidnapped at the APR.
Rates may vary.
Authors note: Contrary to popular belief, Grindr is not a dating app for coffee lovers. Live and learn hey?
And if you've already had it up to here with dating apps then you, my friend, need to get back to reality and join us for a speed dating event very soon.
WORDS BY JOHN DAVIS