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The next step - How to get her to reply to your message

Thursday March 12, 2015

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The speed dating event went well. You met a few great people. You've even got a few matches on Mixeo. So how do you turn these online matches into something more substantial? How do you message someone to increase the possibility they will reply?

1) Don't use text speak. This may sound obvious but given we're oh so mobile it can be very easy to slip into this modern version of baby babble. There is no possible world in which the phrase "Gr8 2 mt u" suggests it was in fact great to meet someone. If it was so great then why did you only spend 3 seconds telling her so!? Text speak tells her you're hooked to your phone, can't be bothered to write a proper message and she really is nothing more than an afterthought.

The following graph is from OKCupid.
 

2) Do make sure there is a point to your message. What do you want to know? Simply stating, "It was really good to meet you last night" won’t work. Ask how she enjoyed the night. Find out what her plans are for the week. Establish a dialogue. You may have been the wittiest, most intelligent person in the room but if your Mixeo message doesn't reflect this you may as well not bother.

3) Don't shower her with compliments. We all like being complimented but overdoing it is… How can I put this? A little bit stalky. For example:

"It was good to meet you. You were really good company last night"

"Thank you. I enjoyed meeting you too."

"No, I mean REALLY good company. I don't think I've met anyone so witty. Or so attractive."

20 mins pass.

"Okay. Thanks"

"You looked amazing. I noticed you straight away."

No response. Well, there was a response but it was from a sympathetic police officer preparing a restraining order.

4) Do be decisive. Establish a dialogue. Confirm there is a mutual interest and then do something! "Do you fancy a drink sometime?" is pretty lazy. And even if the answer comes back as a yes, haven't you already established a mutual connection? Have something concrete planned. We have loads of suggestions for great date ideas on this site. Pick one. "I'm thinking of going to xxxx on dayoftheweek. If you're free maybe we could catch up?"

If she's unavailable it gives her the opportunity to suggest an alternative date.
    
5) Don't oversell yourself. Self-deprecation shows an honest self-awareness and ironically, a high level of confidence. Don't over-do it of course or you'll seem like a passive aggressive needy desperado crying "Please love me! Or else!"

Expressing confidence, isn't necessarily a bad thing of course. But if all you talk about is how great you are at roller blading/whittling/cross country yodelling it gives less the impression of 'I am awesome' and more 'I'm desperate for validation'.

6) Do have a profile photo. And make sure it's clearly you and you're smiling. Alone.

No profile pic makes it harder for your prospective partner in crime to be sure it's you. You may feel that the impression you made was so significant there's no way she could forget you.  I'm afraid you need a rethink. There were plenty of other guys in the room. You didn’t spend 4 minutes with each so you have no way of ascertaining your relative popularity.
    
It also raises questions as to why you would be confident enough to go speed dating and yet not put a profile picture up. What are you trying to hide? Oh hang on… You don't want your girlfriend to find out?
    
7) Don't believe the 3 day rule. For those of you mercifully unaware of this tripe, the 3 day rule says that once a woman has expressed an interest in you, do not respond for 3 days.

The thinking goes that this will stop you seeming desperate and your lack of communication gives you an air of attractive mystery. It doesn't. This is the online equivalent of saying hello to someone in a bar and once they say hello back, you stare solidly ahead, studiously ignoring them for an hour because you think this will make them want you.

8) Do use humour. Dating can be tough. And a little odd. Acknowledge this fact. You've already done the hard work by meeting at a speed dating event. Have a laugh at the strangeness of it all. Add a dash of light self-deprecation. Invite the target of your message to laugh with you.
    
Just don't do knob gags. Or cheesy one-liners. Seriously.
    
9) Don't use closed questions. Closed questions are those designed to elicit a yes or no response. Instead of "Did you enjoy last night?", try "What was your favourite thing about last night?" Granted, it's a pretty lame question. But even being so lame, it's infinitely better that the former which will give you a Yes or No. Even better would be "So, what made you give speed dating a go?" Open up the conversation. Start a discussion. Have a dialogue. Get to know each other.

10) Do be yourself. Honesty really is the key. This doesn’t mean you have to tell her everything. Just don't pretend you're a high flying astronaut taking a sabbatical to save Llamas in Wolverhampton. Trust me. Knowing yourself and presenting your best elements is the sure fire way to gain and maintain attraction. There's always going to be bits to discover about each other. Should your interaction extend beyond one date, lies will unravel very quickly and you'll be seen as a sociopathic nutter with only one thing on your mind. Your own ego. If you're nervous say so. Make a little joke out of it. 9 times out of 10 she'll be just as nervous as you. You've already got over the first hurdle by meeting and establishing there is a level of attraction.

Even if you follow all these tips, sometimes people just won't message. It happens. Speed dating is good fun. People come for different reasons. No response doesn't mean you're a fundamentally flawed character. People have a choice in how they use the evening: To have a random fun night; To potentially meet someone; To support a friend; Everyone is different and that's what makes it all so enjoyable. Remember this and if nothing else you'll have a great time and meet some great people.Relax. Have fun and good luck!

If you are interested in finding out why our speed dating events are widely regarded as the best in London, click here to find an event now and book online.

WORDS BY JOHN DAVIS

ORIGINAL DATING IN THE PRESS
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HOW IT WORKS

The beauty of Speed Dating London lies in its no-nonsense approach. You take an equal number of single girls and guys, put them in a room and give them a few minutes to chat with every other member of the opposite sex.

When you get there

Original speed dating events in London normally begin at 7.30pm. You will need to register with our hosts and to begin with they will issue you with a score sheet. This will help you to keep track of the singles that you would like to meet again and perhaps go on a date with. After a short period of mingling, your host for the evening who will run through detailed instructions and give you your starting position if you are a guy or table for the event if you are a girl.

Meet & Mingle

A London speed dating event is split into two halves, each lasting around an hour, there will be an interval at half time of about 15 minutes. You will have between 4 and 5 minutes with each person, after which you need to tick a box on your score sheet - "yes, I would like to meet this person again" or "no. Thanks but no thanks". Or "friend" if you'd like to get to know them platonically. Make sure that you do this after each date to keep track. Afterwards there is an opportunity for everyone to meet and mingle informally - this is often where the real action begins, so make sure you don't disappear too quickly!

Complete your score sheet

After the event you simply tick who you liked on the Original Dating website and the site works about your matches automatically. If the dates you have ticked as a "yes" have reciprocated you have a match. You will be able to view the first names and message them via our site online without revealing your email address until you are ready to. You'll be having proper first dates in no time.