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New Year, New Relationship – And how to find it

Friday December 7, 2012

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I can't stand New Year's resolutions. Other peoples that is. Self-reflection is the key to progression but all New Year's resolutions seem to be are affirmations that somehow, with the chime of midnight, your previous self will somehow be irrevocably altered. Start at the beginning I say. Instead of "I will lose weight" it should be "Why did I let myself get so fat?"; "I'll work harder" should be "Why was I so lazy all year?"; and "I will meet someone" should be "why am I single?"

You're still the same person so instead of inventing a new you, examine the old one and make smaller changes. If you split up with someone just before xmas then perhaps you really shouldn't be worrying about meeting someone, at least not in the immediate future.

If you've been single for a while, is it just the festive period playing its lonely little tricks on you? Or perhaps the persistence of the coupled and the elderly in your family whom you were forced to spend inordinate drunken time with over Christmas that undermined your self-worth?

It may sound as if, instead of helping you find a new relationship in the New Year, I'm actively discouraging you from seeking it out. But it's the seeking that is the problem. In particular the desperate type of seeking that accompanies the pressure to radically change who you are.

If you really have to make a New Year's resolution, how about "I'll be nicer to myself." We all feel guilty after the indulgences of Christmas and New Year. But we all do it. Self-loathing is never a good look. Neither is neediness. Confidence however is attractive.

Take Speed Dating for example. We run events that deliberately avoid the idea that you'll find the one. Instead we focus on running events that, at their core, are about meeting like-minded people for a chat and a bit of a laugh. The amount of relationships that spring from such an environment are testament to the adage that success comes when you least expect it.

When you're relaxed and enjoying yourself, you naturally revert to a more honest and attractive version of yourself. It's when you so desperately want things to go right that you really have something to lose. So look back over the previous year, identify the things that you did right, the things that made you happiest. Then enter the New Year knowing that similar things will happen. In other words, don't keep telling yourself of to think of an elephant. You'll find the mistakes of the past a lot easier to avoid, you'll surprise yourself how much happier you are. And you allow space for that other someone should they arrive.